When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
