It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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