How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I cockslap morals
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
