So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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