the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
