Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
