a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
