You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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