god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
