My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
