If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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