Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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