someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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