every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
