I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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