I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize