I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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