@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
