He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
