I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
