this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
