Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
