someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
