did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
