you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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