I can tuck mytits in my pants
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
