I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
