Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize