if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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