What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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