1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
