She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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