I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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