Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
