Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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