I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
