Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my shit smells like andre
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
