oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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