I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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