Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
