gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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