my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
