our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
