Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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