I wish my penis had an off switch
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
