so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
