I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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