thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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