i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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