im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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