No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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