how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
