I want to stick my p in your. b.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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