paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
