Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
