thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
