SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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