ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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